5 Ways to help the caregiver.

Photographer unknown Collection of National Media Museum.

"One of the benefits of having help is that Mom has been able to read again", a client recently informed me. "Mom" is the primary caregiver of her husband who suffers from long-standing ill health. Her children have lovingly come around her to support her, gently insisting she take care of herself as well as her husband. Because she has accepted help, she has time to return to her life-long pleasure of reading.

So much has been written about the importance of taking care of yourself while care-giving that I hesitate to address the subject. When you take care of someone chronically ill, it is dangerously easy to ignore your basic needs. Easy because the task of marshaling resources during a lengthy illness eclipses your normal awareness of physical and emotional needs. This is a reality I have personally observed and experienced. A disregard for self-care can lead to a decline in your mental and physical health.

Here are 5 questions I have learned from others long practiced in the art of caring for others.

Are you sleeping? 
"Are you kidding? Of course not!" one friend exclaimed when I asked. Taking care of someone ill may remind you of taking care of a newborn. Your loved one moans, gets up often, wanders around the house, or stays up late then sleeps in. You awaken with tension or anxiety. If you need convincing that chronic sleeplessness can seriously harm you, Web Med lists 10 reasons how poor quality rest leads to accidents, depression, and seriously impairs decision making. Brainstorm strategies to recover from inevitable sleeplessness; get professional help, take naps, sleep in another room, arrange to spend the night with a friend or other family member.

Are you eating?
I was waiting in the hospital while my husband underwent major surgery when a good friend called and said "can we come over with dinner?" They brought in an amazing picnic dinner, cold fried chicken, fresh berry pie, homemade pickles and we ate together. I remember this kindness partly because I realized I had hardly eaten in 3 days. Paying attention to when and what you are eating is crucial to maintaining health in the long-haul of caregiving.

Are you breathing?
She burst out laughing when I asked a client this question, "last I looked, I’m still living." Yes, the shallow breathing we do normally, especially under stress keeps us alive but sometimes just barely. When you breathe deeply, the air comes in through your nose fully, fills your lungs, and you will notice that your lower belly rises. The ability to breathe deeply allows you to tap into one of your body’s strongest self-healing mechanisms. It is foundational to many meditative disciplines. Take a deep breath and ask yourself; Am I breathing?

Are you getting out?
Normally I would disqualify a medication run to the drug store as getting out however I know

someone who gives herself a small treat each time she picks up drugs; nail polish, seasonal items, a magazine. She has transformed a frequent task into an outing for herself. Getting out doesn't have to cost money.  Any pleasure that takes you away from your daily stress such as going outside to read will work. Finding ways to have pleasurable outings reduces stress, fights depression and in the end makes you a more effective caregiver.

Are you being honest?
You can't honestly relay the state of affairs to everyone, but being able to honestly express your needs and emotions to someone is critical to staying emotionally and physically strong. Who is your support? Do you need to join a support group, see a professional counselor, or simply tap into your existing network of friends and family? Are you honest with yourself? Try examining your emotional landscape a little bit each day so you can acknowledge the sadness, the loss, the anger and yes, the joy that caregiving brings.